The World’s Most Powerful Form of Networking
By Joshua on January 22 2008
"It's not what you know…" Countless articles, books, and blog entries have been written on the subject of networking over the years. I've read my fair share of them. But many of them also make me a bit queasy. Even if the tactics they suggest aren't problematic in themselves, it seems that they often promote a coldly calculating approach. It's as if instead of seeing people, they ask us to see merely the next stepping stone on our path to success. I believe that this is fundamentally anti-human, and in the end, counterproductive.
What then, do I suggest? The oldest, most powerful form of networking in the world: genuine friendship.
Obviously it would be ridiculous to expect a deep friendship with every single business contact, but there are many different levels of friendship, ranging from the acquaintance that you just exchange pleasantries with to the best friend you've had ever since second grade. The point isn't to try to elevate everyone to the highest level, but to establish an appropriate level of friendship, whatever that might be. And when you do find someone that you can develop a deep friendship with, great!
Trying to develop some sort of friendship with others isn't just the pro-human thing to do. It is also much more profitable in the long term. Who do you think is more likely to help you land that job you really want? Someone that you have a genuine relationship with, or someone that you're just using as leverage?
How to Be a Good Friend
1. Don't treat people like stepping stones
As the great philosopher Immanuel Kant reminds us, "Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means." To treat someone as if they were merely a means is to treat them in a way that is subhuman (regardless of how common it is). Can you be friends with a chunk of rock that is there merely to keep your footing? No.
2. Stay in touch
You can't be friends with someone that you never communicate with. It follows naturally that if you want to be friends with someone, then you should try to maintain some sort of contact. It doesn't necessarily have to be constant contact, but every once in a while you just need to touch base with them.
3. Give without expecting anything in return
Don't underestimate the power of giving. This doesn't necessarily have to be a physical gift. In fact, it's probably better if it isn't. But the gifts of time, attention, and help are very good ways to foster friendship. The trick, of course, is to do all this without expecting anything in return. Most people are pretty good at spotting when you expect the favor to be returned. And if they want to return it, that's fine. But when you're willing to give without return, it will cement friendships much more quickly.
What do you think? Agree? Disagree? Have something to add?
What our readers said
Joshua – this post gives me the chills! I love it. You are so right – books about networking can seem so cold and calculated. You said it all in this one compact post. I used to have a ‘business personality’ that was different from the real me. I felt really uncomfortable with that. I’ve found that when you just keep it real with everyone then you can develop extremely loyal business relationships.
GREAT post ~
Christine
I’m glad that you like it, Christine. Instructional materials about networking certainly have their place (this blog entry is an example of it!), but so often they seem to leave the humanity out of relationships. Being willing to share a little bit of your real self with people seems to be much more productive.
S I’m reading your eBook as I type (well, maybe not as I type), and I’m hoping to get a review of it up by this afternoon!
Hey Joshua,
Came over here from Christine O’Kelley’s site.
This is a great blog post. I think you hit the nail on the head. The people who get farthest in life are those who make genuine friends all along the way.
Great insight. Got you on my feed reader because of it!
Ron Haynes
Thanks, Ron! I don’t know why more people haven’t written about this point.
Looks like you have a great blog as well. I’ll definitely be checking it out.
Y.E.S to this entire post. Just yes. I really, really, hate what’s called “networking” and I hate friend usage. Seriously,
Don’t use your friend for business purposes.
Don’t use your friend for romantic purposes.
Don’t use your friend for self promotion purposes.
Just don’t. because then they’re not your friend, they’re a tool. Even if you have different grades of friends and this friend is in the not “that close” category, it’s still *wrong*. And if you want to be really selfish, it hurts you just as much or more as it hurts them, so you’re acting in your own best interest to begin with.
This is not to say that I’m not guilty of such, but we should try to minimize our own guilt.
@Katherine: I totally agree.
I was at a WOMMA-sponsored dinner at the end of last year that was strictly for meeting new people (per the marketing and per the actual event). Andy Sernovitz, the host and founder of WOMMA, gave a 30 second welcome…no big marketing schpiel…no selling his upcoming seminars for his company, GasPedal http://www.gaspedal.com/ Instead, what he said was “be nice….people like working with nice people”. That’s been my networking mantra all along but it never hurts to hear it again.
Great post! You found me on Twitter & I’m just browsing your site. Heres what I think.
In an ever more complicated world, try to keep it simple.
Judge people by their actions, not race, religion or country of origin.
Political Correctness is the ‘Anti-Christ’ of tolerance. Just be polite to anyone you meet!
Smile when you say hello!
Being a good member of the human race really should be that simple!
Thankyou Julia for letting me find your website, I TOTALLY agree with everything you say about networking and using your friends etc. In general, most people do the opposite, it’s refreshing to find decent human beings!!